The Gates
by 2Wolves
Summary: "Her eyes shouldn't look like that. She shouldn't be in this pain." I cursed myself. I cursed her. Killing Han Solo was supposed to close the gates for good. Lock away any part of the weak person I used to be. But somehow, this girl had kept them open. AU ish, not really. Not necessarily romantic but can be read that way. rating to be safe but not necessary.
**Hi haven't written fan fiction in a while, so I'm a little rusty. Hope you enjoy! I don't own Star wars, and if you haven't seen the movie yet this will firstly have spoilers and probably won't make much sense anyway.**

I thrashed my way through the trees. I didn't know where I was going and I didn't care. I could feel Uncle trying to use the force to find me, but I shut him out. I was always one Luke's best students, and something like blocking people out came easy to me. Luke used to say that was good, that I should be proud to be able to yield the force from the light so easily. And at the time, I was proud. Now I realize how foolish and naive I was. True power should not be natural, it should be forced and exhausting on your nerves, till you feel like standing is beyond your capabilities. That's what Lord Snoke taught me, and since I've gained so much power I know his words were correct. Yet at that time I ran from his words, his words which I now see as wisdom I saw then as a curse.

I ran and ran into the forest, trying to get away from everyone there, scared that the thing I knew only as the voice would one day win and make me hurt them. My mind so engrossed, my foot hit onto a stone, and I went hurdling down, leaves and mud sticking to my skin as I skidded to a halt, the gravity of my fall causing a dent on the forest floor.

I lay there, the echoing of air being forced out of my lungs was the only sound I could hear for a peaceful solid few seconds. But Lord Smoke would never allow me to waste precious time.

 **"** **Why do you protect them Ren?"** his words echoed in my ears like a knife slicing a stone.

" _Because they are good, they don't deserve to be hurt."_ I used to talk back to him with the force, probably some pathetic hope that the force would protect me. I was pretty pathetic back then. " _And my name is not Ren, it`s Ben!"_

 ** _"_** **How good can they be so good if they're trying to keep you from the true strength I know you can possess?"**

 _"_ _Because they want to take care of me, they want to protect people! You just want me to hurt people, how can that be…"_

" **Those people who claim to be from the light are not worthy of you! You know in your heart Skywalker is holding you back from the strength you could have, the other Jedi secretly despise you, because they are jealous of what you could be. Your own mother and father sent you away, because they were too weak to face your true potential."**

 **"** NO!" I shouted, out loud this time. My voice burned through the abandoned forest, causing whatever creatures still remaining to scamper away with tails between their legs. "MY PARENTS LOVE ME! I was the one who shut them out, because of YOU! Your voice echoing in my head, the nightmares I know come from you! I can't sleep I can't eat; I don't know what to do! Pops told me I would be safe with my Uncle, and he's doing everything he can to protect me! They would never hurt me; they would never betray me NEVER!" I should have listened to Snoke words back then. At the time I truly believed the words that I spoke. It was a naive innocence I guess. Not wanting to admit that my parents simply didn't want to deal with me and that Skywalker was jealous of my strength.

" **Say what you will boy, but soon you will realize** **that I am the only one you can trust. My words are the only ones that will hold true, I am the only one who truly wants what's best for you. And when you finally realize, I will show you true strength, I will make you the man your family feared because they were too envious of the power you posses."**

 **"** SHUT UP!" I hollered. I fell to my knees, wrapping my head in my hands, tears sneaking past my fastened eyelids. I really was such a weak one back then. True, Snoke was being fairly hard on me; I couldn't remember the last time I had slept. Of course in hindsight sight I know that what he had done was for the best. Yet I didn't know it then. So all I could do was cry, at a pain that I could not fight, and that I was too afraid to ask for help. I felt completely alone, my parents couldn't help me; they didn't even know what the problem was I was too scared to tell them. So they sent me to Luke as a last resort. He couldn't help me either. I was alone. Completely and utterly, and I didn't know what to…

"Who are you talking to?"

And just like that, it happened. The anomaly. The unexpected. The outlier, the piece of data in this puzzle we call life that no one expected to find. I met her.

I turned my head towards the voice, and found myself face to face with a small girl. Her head was tilted looking up at me, her lips curled to one side in an awkward pout. Her clothes were white, but covered in dirt smears from playing around in the forest. I was so surprised I didn't even register that she had asked me a question. "Huh?"

Her lips turned into a full on pout. She stomped her feet in an attempt to look intimidating, struck her fists onto her hips and puffed out her chest, a little too much so it looked like she was holding in a big breath instead of appearing strong as she intended.

"Don't you avoid the question punk!" she said punk as if it was some kind of swear word. "You cannot avoid the eyes of the law, or else the teddy bear army will find you and put you away."

I just blinked, starring at her small form against the trees towering over us both. I'm not good with children, I never have been. I'm always scared I'm going to make them cry, or play a little too roughly and they'll break something. My Fath- Han Solo was good with kids. He always played along with whatever game they were playing, saying it's good to let kids have their imagination. He was pretty good at that. I on the other hand was not. "Do you mean Ewoks?" I asked, though it was more of a statement than anything else, because nothing else could make sense.

The girl tilted her head again considering my words, but I had a feeling I was right. She straightened again, her face a little flushed. She might have been embarrassed that the person she was accusing had shown her up. "Their name does not matter! For they are a mighty people and they will take down any foe that comes in their path!"

There was a moment of silence, as she tried to do what I assume was a threatening glare. It looked like she was trying to pop her eyes out with sheer force of will. I'm not proud of what happened next, but I couldn't help it.

I laughed.

Not just a giggle either, I started howling with laughter. I doubled over, trying to gain control of my lungs that had started to ache. I couldn't…can't remember a time I laughed so hard. She looked flustered, her face turning completely red with embarrassment.

"You insult their honour! They are a proud people and they will not stand for such an injustice to their pride!" she raised her arm as if to signal an attack to a nonexistent army.

"No...Bff…no don't do that." I struggled to get the words out; most of them were overtaken by laughter I couldn't manage to hold back. "I'm sorry I embarrassed you kid."

Her face turned an even brighter shade than before. If she kept it up she could probably outshine my lightsaber. "I-it's not my honour you insulted boy! You insulted the Ewoks! Now apologize to them!" she pointed off into the distance, her eyes still on me.

"I'm sorry Ewoks." I mumbled. I didn't really know what else to do, but following her lead felt normal…ish.

"I'm sorry for?" she said slowly, eyeing me.

"I'm sorry for insulting your pride Ewoks…or teddy bears- whatever you are." The girl nodded, seeming satisfied. "Kid where are your parents?" I had never seen this kid before, and I knew nearly everyone at the school, it was still pretty small. No one went to these woods anymore, which is why I usually went there to hide.

"Since you apologized, the Ewoks have decided to let you off with a warning. But they will not forgive you a second time, so be warned."

I huffed, rolling my eyes. "I'm sure a Jedi such as myself could handle a few silly Ewoks."

Suddenly, the girl's fake bravado stance fell. Her mouth fell open as if the hinges had broken, and I could see literal sparkles in her eyes. "You're a Jedi?" she said every word as if they were legendary.

"Umm I guess, I'm a Padawon sort of." Luke told us that the old Jedi's had students they called Padawon's, but because the Jedi system was just starting up, he had yet to officially establish Padawon's.

"W-o-w!" she said, now eyeing me as if I was some giant trophy. "That's so cool!"

I shrugged, feeling awkward under this girls stare. "Thanks, I guess."

"What's it like using the force? Is it all tingly and exciting? Why aren't there any multi coloured lightsabers? Do you have a lightsaber? Can I see it?"

I felt bombarded with questions, I shook my hands in front of me as if to ward them all off. "Not so much at once!" she straightened, her face a look of complete obedience, her eyes still expectant. I sighed, trying to figure out where to start. "Well, to start off, the force isn't so much of a tingly feeling, as it is, soothing. In a way. It's like, oh I don't know, using a limb you never knew you had before, but when you do you can't imagine walking without it." The girl's eyes didn't change, so I didn't know how much she understood. "It does feel, tingly-I guess when you use the dark side of the force."

At that the girl gasped, jumping back a step from me. "You've used the dark force?" she asked.

"Um yeah, we um, we`re just learning what it's like." I didn't want to tell the girl that the voice in my head had told me to try it. I hadn't even told Luke when he scolded me about it, why would I tell this kid? She'd probably think I was crazy.

"What was it like?" she asked, almost as if it was a forbidden question.

I frowned, trying to decide what to say. I don't know why I was telling so much to this kid. Maybe because I figured I probably would never see her again, so there was no harm. "It's…painful. It's powerful, but it's like lifting heavy weights and trying to throw them across an ocean. As if you're going against nature itself." I didn't think she'd get it. If she didn't get my first analogy she probably wouldn't get this one.

To my surprise she nodded her head, as if what I said made perfect sense. "Absolutely!"

I starred at her. "What does that mean?"

She looked at me, as if the answer were completely obvious. "Well duh! You used the light side naturally right? That means your natural in-st-inct," she had to voice out each sound to make sure she said the word correctly. "Is to be good. Anything else is going against who you are, and that's why it's painful."

"Th-that actually-kind of makes sense."

She smiled, a look of immense pride falling over her face. Just then, from the other direction, I heard a woman's voice. "REY! I told you not to run away from me, come back here this instant! You have to finish your chores before you can play!" the girl turned towards the sound, wincing at the sound.

"The enemy has found me! I must continue my escape!" she turned to me, and stuck out her hand. "I am commander Rey. You have gained favour in my eyes and that of the Ewoks. We will fight by your side if ever you shall call upon us!"

I reached forward and awkwardly shook her hand. "Um thanks, hope to see you to kid."

"You will!" she said assuredly. "Good always finds each other!" and with that, she turned and ran. I stared after her for a moment, wondering if I had really seen that or if my mind was playing tricks on me.

At that moment, I felt Luke's presence with the force. It was really close, and I can't believe that I didn't sense it before. Hiding at this point would be futile, so I turned and started walking back towards him. As I was walking, trying to figure out an excuse for running out of training like that, a thought struck me. The voice hadn't spoken once during my conversation with the girl. I can't remember I time that it had been silent for so long. I glanced back in the direction I had been, before continuing down the path, labeling the whole thing as just a chance encounter.

I was such a fool back then. Thankfully, eventually Snoke opened my eyes to the true world. I broke free from that naive place and became strong. It was painful, but that is the only way to accomplish true strength. Sometimes I still feel the emotions I felt back then, the call to the light. The desire to protect those whom I called family and to help those who are suffering. I lock those emotions up like a gate that I refuse to open for anything. Those emotions make me weak. I can't be weak.

Sometimes I did think about that girl from time to time. The chance encounter that seemed like a mistake in the game plan. Something that shouldn't have happened, something that would make no difference in the end. I didn't think about her too much though. Every time I did, the gates would open, and I can't afford to give them any leeway, or they will overtake me. That's what Snoke says. I never expected to see that girl again. Till the day I did.

It had seemed like a normal day, if hunting down a little orange droid seems normal to you. Instead I found a random girl who had seen the map. I didn't recognize her at first; I was too concentrated on my goal. It was only later, that I realized who it was. When I took off my mask and looked into her eyes, I was momentarily stunned. I couldn't believe it; I never expected to run into her again, not like this. But the second the gates started to open, I forced them shut. I had a job to accomplish, I couldn't afford weakness. The girl didn't seem to recognize me, but that might be because she was just surprised I had taken the mask off. I wonder what she had expected to see.

Those questions didn't matter. Mine did. I started shifting through her mind, trying to discover the answers. As I found her pain, her lonely life, something inside of me hurt. But I pushed it aside. She was a stranger, I held no responsibility for her. Then I found her memories of Han Solo. A father she never had. He would have betrayed her, just like he did me.

" _He didn't betray you. He was trying to help you. You know that it's true."_ Again with the voice. It seems my mind cannot find peace without some kind of voice invading my head. This time the voice is my own. It comes out whenever I slip up and allow the gates to open. I cannot trust my voice. I can only trust Snoke to keep me on the proper path.

When girl started overpowering me with the force, it completely blindsided me. She was new to the force and yet she was using it against me. The words she had spoken to me before about the force came rushing back to me. I had to leave the room. I couldn't let them overtake me. I can't be weak again.

But the gates had opened. For the rest of the day, as I searched for her after she escaped whispers echoed in my mind, saying I was doing the wrong thing and I knew it. I needed a way to force the gates closed once again. As soon as I heard my old name screamed at me, I knew. This was the only way to keep me safe from the things that plagued my heart.

It wasn't easy. I won't lie. But nothing worth it is. As I pressed the button to bring out the lightsaber, I forced my heart to shut down. To become the emotionless servant I knew the First Order needed. Han Solo reached out and touched my face.

At that moment I heard a scream. I looked up and the rest of the world fell silent, completely vanished from my existence. I saw her eyes, the look of pure terror and hurt; burning raw and unprotected. It hit me, with a punch stronger than Grandfather`s Death Star could possibly muster. The gates exploded open, coming forth like a flood. The whispering voice and my own became the same. No...No what did I just do? I killed Han Solo. I killed my Father! Father…Dad…Dad NO! It can't be! In a moment of weakness, I stepped forward, as if I could take back my actions, as if I could use the force to bring my father back.

But then I was shot, and in a moment, everything was returned as is should be. The gates were closed, my heart was locked away. I was Kylo Ren once again.

I continued on my mission, and I started fighting the girl. But for some reason, the voice would not go silent. It screamed at me, accusing my in a crying voice that I murdered my father, that I attacked an innocent, that I was hurting someone who should be my ally! It was distracting, but I fought against them. She wasn't weak, but she was scared. It wasn't hard to overpower her. My lightsaber came down on her, and she just barely managed to block it. The two weapons fought hard against each other, the two of us so close I could see the sweat on her face, the tears in her eyes.

"You need a teacher!" I didn't know where that was coming from.

" _Please help me!"_

"I can show you the ways of the force."

" _Please please I can't fight it; I can't be free please please!"_

At that something seemed to click in the girls eyes, and they changed so quickly I was reminded for a moment of the small child whose eyes once danced with sparkles. And then she came on me. It was such a flurry, I couldn't fight back. I'd never seen someone so natural with the force, so in tune as if it was a part of her. It took me completely off guard I`m ashamed to say for a second time.

Before I knew it I was on the ground, staring up at her. I didn't know how it happened, or how I got there, but there I was. And there she was, with eyes so filled with rage, and power and hurt.

" _Her eyes shouldn't look like that. She shouldn't be in this pain."_ I cursed myself. I cursed her. Killing Han Solo was supposed to close the gates for good. Lock away any part of the weak person I used to be. But somehow, this girl had kept them open. She had forced them open with such strength I feared I would never be able to close them in the way they once were.

A chasm opened between us, caused by the explosion of the base. I starred at her from my side, my heart so filled with unwanted emotions I didn't know what to do.

" ** _We'll meet again."_** I blinked. It wasn't my voice, nor was it Lord Snoke's, it was hers. Was she using the force to talk to me, or was I finally loosing it? " ** _The light side will always prevail. No matter how much it stumbles, not matter how you try to fight it. As long as there is a flicker, as long as there are people to fight for it, it will be victorious eventually."_** I starred after her as she ran away. I should be mad she was getting away, that she had destroyed our weapon, that I was so pathetic as to be defeated by her. And yet only one question was on my mind.

Was she talking about the fight between the Rebellion and the First order? Or did she mean the fight within myself?

It doesn't matter. Either way she's wrong. She has to be.

Darth Vader mustn't worry. I will not be overtaken by the gates. Ever. Again. and if we ever meet again, I will not allow the Gates to be opened.

 **hope you Enjoyed! this was inspired by looking at multiple fan theories for this movie. Constructive criticism is appreciated** **and encouraged!**


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